Sen. Ted Cruz : This group of resolute men gathers to light a torch in the darkness. Standing sentry at the door are two American bald eagles, Freedom and Caucus, the tethered reminders of the liberty hobbled so casually, even callously, by the nearby Congress.  

Rep. Jim Jordan : Thank you, Sen. Cruz.  We’d like to get started. As usual, you remind us of the dramatic time we live in. We’re here to plan strategy for the leadership elections.  

Cruz : Much time has passed since these stalwarts brought down the tyrant John A. Boehner. The country languishes in the vacuum that followed. Small-minded men strive to fill it. Rep. Mick Mulvaney : I’m worried Kevin McCarthy will be as hopeless to our cause as Boehner was. But I don’t see better choices. Nobody we can trust has a chance and nobody who has a chance can be trusted. My idea …  

Cruz : Crops go unharvested, the country sits parched under a beating sun, the Environmental Protection Agency brazenly forbids children to handle pesticides. Across the land, suffering women get contraception advice from the wrong clinic.  

Rep. Tim Huelskamp : I feel the same way about Kevin. Nevertheless, we’re a greater threat to him than he is to us. He wants our votes. We should extract as many concessions from him as we can. He’ll feel an obligation, even when he can’t deliver on those pledges.  

Cruz : Bowed but refusing to break, these intrepid lawmakers see a new, still darker cloud ahead. Boehner, nemesis itself, threatens further waste. Indifferent to the country’s cries, he prepares to push legislation through a cowed Congress that will deepen the suffering. Our band of brothers must stop him. The fate of a despairing nation …  

Rep. John Fleming : Let’s circulate an email detailing our demands on Kevin. And let’s look hard at leader and whip. That’s our best chance.  

Cruz : Their options seemingly exhausted, the group steeled itself for stirrings of resignation. Like George Washington at Valley Forge, Davy Crockett at the Alamo, Ronald Reagan …  

Jordan : Ted?  

Cruz : In that dark hour, the American spirit flared anew in these sparkling minds. They prepared to strike, recognizing first blood drawn doesn’t always mean a mortal blow …  

Rep. Justin Amash : Sen. Cruz, could you tone down the battle talk? We’re a small enough group already and I don’t want to lose any more. Now to Steve Scalise. I don’t think …  

Cruz
: None dared allude to the loss of Tom McClintock in the days before the fatal blow to Boehner. Doubtless, it troubled their minds. They were only human, after all.  

Jordan : Sen. Cruz?  

Mulvaney (whispering): Should we stop asking him to our meetings?  

Jordan (whispering): I didn’t tell him about this one.  

Rep. Mark Meadows: I move we vacate the guest speaker.

Get breaking news alerts and more from Roll Call in your inbox or on your iPhone.