War on Christmas (decorations) comes to Capitol Hill

The 'Cold War' is heating up

Rep. Ed Perlmutter, D-Colo., poses with the inflatable snowman outside his office on the second floor of the Longworth Senate Office Building on Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2019. A friendly holiday decorations rivalry with his hallway neighbor Rep. Jason Crow, D-Colo. has evolved into a floor-wide contest. (Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call)
Rep. Ed Perlmutter, D-Colo., poses with the inflatable snowman outside his office on the second floor of the Longworth Senate Office Building on Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2019. A friendly holiday decorations rivalry with his hallway neighbor Rep. Jason Crow, D-Colo. has evolved into a floor-wide contest. (Bill Clark/CQ Roll Call)
Posted December 13, 2019 at 12:58pm

Rep. Val B. Demings was overheard this week telling a reporter she felt “pressure” to step up her office’s holiday decorations after fellow Florida Rep. Charlie Crist displayed a quintessential light-up palm tree and flamingo outside his.

The 7.5-foot inflatable holiday Mickey Mouse (she represents the Orlando area, home to Disney World) that guards her door declined to comment on the matter — perhaps because he heard about the unfortunate fate of one of his nearby air-filled brethren.

“Oh, this is very sad — this is what I’m talking about,” Rep. Jason Crow said as he walked by the deflated snowman outside Rep. Ed Perlmutter’s office just two doors down from his. “Accidents happen to things like this.”

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Frosty once stood 8 feet tall before he fell victim to his own “deflategate,” but it wasn’t long until all were floored by the casualty. No one, more so, than Perlmutter.

“What happened — who did this?” he shouted, exiting his office to discover the cold case that lay before him. (The snowman knew who did it, and Perlmutter certainly had an idea.)

What Perlmutter dubbed a “friendly” competition between colleagues the day before his snowman was slain had officially turned frosty. The war on Christmas (decorations) had officially been waged between two Colorado Democrats — but no one was safe.

“The arms race has only just begun!” Wisconsin Rep. Mike Gallagher proclaimed down a bustling hallway as his staff trimmed the wall with “homemade” decorations. “Friendly” might be the name of the game in the Midwest, but Gallagher didn’t seem afraid to fight.

“I have it on good authority that Crow stole these,” Gallagher gestured to the cute, little innocent penguin and string lights outside the Coloradan’s office.

Unfortunately for Crow, that wasn’t the only allegation he was facing — Perlmutter had also accused him of stealing a beloved office nutcracker.

“You’re gonna have to talk to my lawyer about that,” Crow responded when HOH pressed him about the accusation. He immediately clarified, “I didn’t steal it — I was just borrowing it for a period of time.”

His reasoning wasn’t enough to keep Perlmutter from (snow) storming a few yards down the hall and into Crow’s office to “affront” his “integrity,” as a victimized Crow put it.

“In the spirit of the holidays I’m just gonna say you won,” a defeated, yet defiant, Perlmutter insisted. “Now, we know the truth, but I’m gonna say it’s yours.”

After all, it’s the season of giving, and it was time for Perlmutter to gift the next person on his list.

“The cold war is over … although we’re gonna go after Gallagher soon.”