Getting Sloshed, POTUS-Style
Author Brian Abrams is set to dish about the boozing habits of the train-wrecks-in-chief laid bare in his irreverent expose, “Party Like A President: True Tales of Inebriation, Lechery, and Mischief From the Oval Office .”
The humorist is slated to spill the beans Saturday about all the substance abuse that’s gone on in the Oval Office during Brightest Young Things’ sold-out takeover of the National Archives Museum.
Before throwing our deeply flawed leaders under the bus, HOH proposed Abrams go a few rounds with the historic hell-raisers by drafting POTUSes for totally irresponsible drinking games. Quarters
Loose change. Shot glasses. Impeccable aim.
These are the elements that set apart the men from the boys when it comes to quarters.
“I’ll go with Grover Cleveland,” Abrams relayed via email, tapping the two, nonconsecutive-term serving booze-hound as the rock upon which to build his speed-chugging squad.
“Not only was he, among the alcoholic presidents, the one with the most body mass (250 pounds — effectively making him the safest bet for having the highest tolerance and/or steadiest hand … maybe) … Cleveland spent decades inside Buffalo saloons before ascending to the governor’s mansion in New York,” Abrams reasoned.
Sure, dexterity plays a role in dispatching one’s enemies in anchorman. But Abrams seems to favor having some size at his back.
“Let’s go with LBJ, a close second for body mass (225 pounds) among the boozy chiefs,” he said of the towering 36th president. “Just don’t piss him off, I guess, or he’ll dictate to you while he’s on the commode later.”
This rapid-fire card game calls for a little strategery.
“First instinct is to go with Skull and Bones frat boy George W. Bush, but we’re talking cards here. If any skill would be required, Harry Truman ought to figure it out before the others,” Abrams suggested, bumping 42 in favor of bourbon-draining 33. Per Abrams, the war time-leader referred to his routine poker games as his “favorite form of paperwork.”
Were a more casual evening in the cards, Abrams could see himself knocking back a few with 38.
“Any man who dances to Jim Croce’s ‘Bad Bad LeRoy Brown’ in his first week in the White House (and during a dinner function for the king of Jordan no less) has gotta be a solid hang,” he said, citing a bit of trivia about Gerald Ford revealed in the book.
In terms of signing on for a full-blown bender, hitching one’s wagon to insatiable womanizer John F. Kennedy seems like a no-brainer to Abrams.
“Yes, we know of his affairs and running with the Rat Pack (renamed the ‘Jack Pack’ when in his presence), but I still believe that the average American is unaware of the sheer *amount* of philandering that happened here,” he estimated.
Visiting the other end of the spectrum might entail staving off loneliness by draining everything dry, a la 15’s penchant for self-medication.
“James Buchanan was known to put away two to three bottles of whiskey per night and wake up the next day feeling perfectly fine,” Abrams said.
Then there’s the total buzzkill: James K. Polk.
“He *hated* social affairs and much preferred to be chained to a desk with pen in hand rather than kick back and talk smack about Washington,” Abrams said of the renowned introvert.
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