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Roll Call

HOH’s One-Minute Recess: Iowa Hopefuls’ Secret Weapons

Its coming down to the wire tonight in the Hawkeye State as the nations pre-eminent political bellwether absoposolutely crowns the very likely potential heir apparent to the Republican presidential nomination. (At least until next Tuesdays primary in New Hampshire.)

As they make their final swings through Iowas fabled Pizza Ranch outposts, the 2012 Republican hopefuls are finally pulling out the stylistic aces up their sleeves.

Heres our take on the sprint to the finish (listed in descending order of ridiculousness):

Contender: Rick Santorum

Big guns: Google/sweater vests

The former Republican Senator from Pennsylvania is so excited about his eleventh-hour surge in the Midwest that hes actually urging people to GOOGLE HIM (somewhere, Dan Savage is laughing his butt off). Not a bad plan assuming everyones Internet search filters are set to AMISH. But the ultra-pious Pennsylvanian is hedging his bets by parading around in our favorite Iowans fashion accessory of choice: the sweater vest.

Contender: Next Gingrich

Big guns: fake humility/Callista Gingrich

The ex-Speaker from Georgia has all but conceded defeat in Iowa and appears to be placing his eggs in future polling baskets. Call us crazy, but trotting around your third wife/second mistress and claiming any semblance of credibility on the family values front seems absolutely insane.

Contender: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.)

Big guns: Margaret Thatcher/the almighty

The pseudo-Sarah Palin has taken to name-checking another conservative lioness, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, in the hopes of glomming onto any remaining 80s-era grrrl power. When that doesnt work, she LOVES to throw out how tight she is with J.C.

Contender: Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas)

Big guns: Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.)/the apocalypse

Ron Paul has his son out there whipping up all the tea partyers he can. But his de facto running mate is the impending doom and gloom he has been preaching for the past several decades.

Contender: Mitt Romney

Big guns: Kim Kardashian jokes/veiled threats

The ultra-vanilla candidate most Republicans seem to find terribly unpalatable compared President Barack Obamas job performance to the illusory marriage of a washed-up reality TV creation (*fingers crossed*). Ouch! Zing! But we were much more fascinated by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christies pledge that if Iowans dont hand Romney a victory, I will be back Jersey style.

Contender: Jon Huntsman

Big guns: @Jon2012girls/Abby Huntsman. (Nuff said.)

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