Instead, we’ve decided to list our own nine facts about Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R), which we will be referencing when he jumps in the presidential race. Tee-hee.
1. Perry was an Aggie “yell leader” at Texas A&M University. Being a yell leader is a really big deal, but — since we’re Yankees and don’t know any better — we think it kind of sounds like a glorified cheerleader. Also, please note that makes two consecutive Texas governors who were cheerers in school. The other? George W. Bush. We know what you’re thinking: Awesome-sauce.
2. Perry killed a coyote to protect his dog while he was out for a jog. “They are some wily creatures,” he told reporters later. Perry left the coyote where he shot him because he was jogging. “He became mulch,” Perry said of the animal. The governor gardens?! How nice.
4. Journalists have nicknamed Perry Gov. Good Hair because his hair is perfect — for Texas. If and when Perry dives into the presidential race this weekend, most likely Saturday, he can no longer rest on his previous hair success. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (R) has a gorgeous coif, and crazy eyes aside, Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (R-Minn.) hair is only getting better with her campaign. This going to be a tough hair race for Perry.
5. Perry made noodling legal in Texas. This past June, Perry signed a law that would make killing a catfish by grabbing it by the jaw and killing it with your bare hands legal. Clearly catfish are the coyotes of the water.
6. Perry set aside three days in April for the state to pray for rain. He even signed an official proclamation about it.
7. He was once a Democrat, but he switched parties in 1989 after he realized it would never be conservative enough for him. Since being in office, Perry has found a cuddly home in his party’s right flank.
8. He was the star of a seven-hour apolitical prayer vigil Saturday called “The Response.” Why “The Response?” Probably because he keeps calling people to prayer.
9. Perry once told reporters that if Texans get fed up with Washington, then they just might have to secede from the Union, but they probably won’t. We guess this is probably why he is running for the highest seat in the land.
Former Sen. Scott Brown, R-Mass., candidate for U.S. Senate in New Hampshire, holds his hand over his heart during the singing of the national anthem as he waits to take the stage for his town hall campaign rally with Sen. John McCain at the Pinkerton Academy in Derry, N.H., on Monday, Aug. 18, 2014.