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Trumping the 2016 Contenders

Dear presidential backbenchers: Why wait to have your own feud with rhetorical bomb-thrower Donald Trump when Time has a fully automated name caller primed and ready to propel you into the discussions of the day?  

The magic of the “Donald Trump Insult Generator” is that it’s almost as good as a browbeating from the real thing, a feat accomplished by plumbing the reality TV vet’s Twitter feed for inflammatory statements.  

In the spirit of inclusion, HOH went ahead and plugged every presidential hopeful’s moniker into the DTIG, so the indignant fundraising letters can begin flooding virtual mailboxes ASAP. Hillary Rodham Clinton

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“Hypocrite Hillary Clinton,” the automated venom-spewer pronounced.  

Sen. Bernard Sanders, I-Vt.

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“Bernie Sanders works really hard but is a guy who just doesn’t have it — a total loser.”  

Former Sen. Jim Webb, D-Va.

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“Hokey garbage Jim Webb.”  

Former Rhode Island Gov./Sen. Lincoln Chafee

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“Uncomfortable looking Lincoln Chafee calls me to ask for favors and then mockingly smiles.”  

Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley

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“Martin O’Malley did an absolutely horrible job. Martin O’Malley should be ashamed of himself.”  

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.

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“Love watching Lindsey Graham fail!”  

Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla.

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“Irrelevant clown Marco Rubio sweats and shakes nervously as they talk ‘bull’ about me. Has zero cred.”  

Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas

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“Ted Cruz is a totally overrated clown who speaks without knowing the facts.”  

Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky.

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“Goofball atheist Rand Paul never had a chance.”  

Former Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa.

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“Rick Santorum apologized to me but I will not accept their apology. I will be suing them for a lot of money.”  

Ohio Gov. John R. Kasich

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“John Kasich is desperate. No imagination!”  

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry

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“Do you believe highly overrated Rick Perry? What a dope!”  

Former N.Y. Gov. George Pataki

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“Liberal clown George Pataki.”  

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush

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“Losers such as Jeb Bush use me for publicity for themselves. They are strictly third rate.”  

Dr. Ben Carson

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“Ben Carson did really poorly on television this morning. I hope they are O.K.”  

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie

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“Chris Christie was terrible.”  

Businesswoman Carly Fiorina

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“Carly Fiorina is truly as dumb as [a] rock.”  

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee

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“Mike Huckabee lost much of their money on that run — that’s why Mike Huckabee carries their own bags now.”  

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal

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“Boring guy Bobby Jindal.”  

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker

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“I hear that sleepy eyes Scott Walker will be fired like a dog? I can’t imagine what is taking so long!”  

Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore

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“Jim Gilmore’s got a lot of problems!”  

Not for nothing, but the digital Trump appeared just as happy to savage his flesh-and-bone self.  

Donald Trump

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“Donald Trump is a dummy. Just look at Donald Trump’s past.”  

Related:

Wu-ing the 2016 Presidential Contenders

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