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Capitol Hill Cop Spices Things Up as ‘Three Sheets Chef’

Capitol Police Officer Terry Heffernan told HOH he caught the acting bug while in college.  

If only the theater crowd could see him now.

While he spends most of his time keeping the congressional campus safe, Heffernan has also been actively pursuing any and every opportunity to perform since the 1990s. “Being a police officer is my favorite way to support myself being an actor,” he quipped.

That lifelong dream has led him to blending in with the thousands of freezing cold extras seen huddled around the National Mall in that iconic scene from “Forrest Gump.” It compelled him to take a shot in an almost Doritos ad . And it inspired him to create the demented instructional series, “Three Sheets Chef.”

“It came to me while I was ruthlessly hung over, sitting on my couch watching the Food Channel,” Heffernan said of the "a-ha!" moment that led to his satirical side-gig.

The extremely low-tech series debuted in late 2011. Since then, Heffernan and a rag tag crew — including a fellow Capitol Hill cop who handles editing duties — have cobbled together just over a dozen installments of horribly misguided culinary instruction.  

“We haven’t really figured out what the purpose of the show is yet, but I’ll tell you this, we’re really hoping to get on HBO.  And I have a feeling the best way to do that is for me to say 'cocksucker' about every three minutes,” Heffernan, channeling his perma-tipsy counterpart , explains in episode one.  

Sure enough, the wheels come off each time.

For, you see, while TSC imagines himself to be an epicurean god, his constant inebriation wholly interferes with any planned presentation.  

Which is why no matter what he plans to whip up — be it chicken and sausage jambalaya, a modified mudslide (forged from coconut rum, chocolate milk, pina colada mix, vanilla ice cream) or snakehead gumbo — the only thing that winds up more wasted than the effort is him.  

Instead, viewers are left to stew about his grossly inappropriate observations regarding: gay marriage, reality dancing competitions, the unrelenting exploitation of Redskins fans by team owner Daniel Snyder, Shakira’s reproductive organs, his favorite scenes from the Farrelly brothers poorly received 2007 remake of “The Heartbreak Kid,” the inauthenticity of Gordon Ramsey and fantasies about bedding Mongolian contortionists.  

On the rare occasions he’s sober enough to leave the kitchen, his TSC character manages to complete the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and squeezes in a field trip to the Matchbox on Barracks Row.  

Having hit it off with filmmaker Antonio Souto during the making of their aspiring Doritos commercial spot, Heffernan is preparing to hand over the directorial reins to Souto so he can concentrate on penning scripts for future episodes of the culinary send-up.  

To wit, he said Baywatch alumna Krista Allen has expressed an interest in guest starring on the show.  

Now we’re cooking.  

Related: Capitol Hill Cops Ham It Up For Prospective Doritos Ad Roll Call Results Map: Results and District Profiles for Every Seat Get breaking news alerts and more from Roll Call in your inbox or on your iPhone.