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Dear John Boehner: The Madisonville Papers

Madisonville-Logo-9.23.15

To: John Boehner  

From: Kevin McCarthy  

Subject: Cleaning the Barn Hi John,  

Thanks for offering to ease me into the speaker’s chair. People think I’m not the brightest light on the Christmas menorah, but you know better than anybody that running the House isn’t about having the highest IQ. I’m going to follow your advice: Do what’s right, just like in an Aslop's Fable.  

Getting the continuing resolution done this week will spare the House, the party, the country and your replacement a big headache. There’s no better example of your doing the right thing. Unless it would be to get a spending bill done for the full year. Let me know if you can get it done in four weeks.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Barack Obama  

Subject: Cleaning the Barn  

Dear Mr. Speaker,  

Can you come over to the White House? We can talk about old times. And a budget deal. I know your thinking has always been in the right place on this. Now you can ignore your critics. Trust me. I know. Can you envision returning to Ohio, or Florida for that matter, in a few weeks on Air Force One?  

While we’re at it, let’s raise the debt ceiling. The deep feelings you expressed about your late mother Sunday gave me a thought. You know we haven’t chosen the woman to put on the $10 bill.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Mitch McConnell  

Subject: Cleaning the Barn  

Dear Mr. Speaker,  

We passed a highway bill over here that you should take a look at. I think the president could ensure that Marco Island wins one of the contests they’re always holding at the Transportation Department to give away federal money. Getting highways done would solve a legislative problem for years. Some of us over here would be grateful.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Barack Obama  

Re: Cleaning the Barn  

Dear Mr. Speaker,  

How does the John A. Boehner Interstate sound? I can make it happen.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Kevin McCarthy  

Re: Cleaning the Barn  

Hi John,  

I forgot to mention a long-term budget agreement. One of my staff told me it could make the difference for next year’s spending legislation. You are taking care of spending before you leave, aren’t you? Why not do the right thing, and set the budget for years to come?  

To: John Boehner  

From: Nancy Pelosi  

Subject: Cleaning the Barn  

Dear John,  

Let’s give Planned Parenthood more funding before you go. You know my side will be on board and I know you’d like nothing better than to put a stick in the eye of you-know-who on your way out.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Marco Rubio  

Subject: Cleaning the Barn  

Dear Mr. Speaker,  

Let me elaborate on my comment Friday that your departure is an opportunity to turn the page. By the way, you would have been moved to tears to hear the eruption of applause at the mention of your name. The page I’m thinking about is immigration. You could marshal enough votes to pass reform. You would turn millions of voters into Republicans.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Kevin McCarthy  

Re: Cleaning the Barn  

Hi John,  

I thought we did a highway bill! We’ve been voting on one every couple of months since I got here. But I’m told we have to do it again by the end of October. Do the right thing, John.  

To: John Boehner  

From: Kevin McCarthy  

Re: Cleaning the Barn  

Hi John,  

Remind me of what the Export-Import Bank is? And could you get it reauthorized before you go?

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Topics: madisonville icnw