Heard on the Hill: Predictions for an Unpredictable 2009

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• Democrats Hope to Avoid Pitfalls of 1994
• 2009 Marks a Year of Notable Anniversaries
• The Rules Are the Same; So Are the Worries
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No one really knows what 2009 will bring — after all, who would have thought, a year ago, that we’d be talking about a depression that can’t be helped by Zoloft, or that Trig was anything other than a high-school math class?

Nevertheless, HOH pulled out our crystal ball, Ouija board and a cocktail shaker for good measure, to try to figure out what we’ll be writing about — and what you’ll be buzzing about — in the year to come.

Here are our oh-so-scientific predictions:

February: Several of the celebrities who came to town for President Barack Obama’s inauguration decide to remain in Washington and seek jobs in the White House and Congress.

Hip-hop artist Jay-Z joins the staff of House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.), where the rapper’s rap sheet (he once pleaded guilty to stabbing a rival record exec) proves useful in corralling wayward Democrats. “It’s a good look for me right now,” he tells HOH. “I can’t wait to start hurting people.”

Seeing no hope in overtaking Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) as the longest-serving Member of Congress, Rep. Mary Bono Mack instead takes a shot at stringing together the longest name in Congress. The California Republican begins on Valentine’s Day divorcing and marrying a series of men, yielding the unlikely moniker: Mary Bono Mack (the Knife) Donalds Aloysius Kennedy Jolie-Pitt Whitaker.

She copyrights the title to bolster her royalty income from “I Got You Babe.”

March: With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, proud Irishman Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.) introduces legislation to force all McDonald’s restaurants to serve Shamrock Shakes at all American locations year-round. Currently, the shakes are only offered a few weeks before the holiday, and only at select restaurants.

“It’s ridiculous that all Americans can’t enjoy this delicious Irish-inspired beverage whenever they see fit,” King says of the famed vanilla shake, which is flavored with mint extract and dyed green for extra gaelic flair. “McDonald’s must wake up to their discriminatory actions.”

Congress passes the measure overwhelmingly, but not before various Members amend the bill with language requiring McDonald’s to bring back the McRib and Arch Deluxe.

April: Expected Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner fulfills his commitment to avoid embarrassing, avoidable mistakes by filing his taxes electronically with H&R Block rather than TurboTax. Despite his pulling an all-nighter, the Internal Revenue Service audits him again. But he overrules the investigation and asks for a do-over.

“This is the change the president was talking about after his second swearing-in,” Geithner explains later.

Republican Norm Coleman finally renounces all legal claims to his former Minnesota Senate seat. He also announces a departure from his consulting job with the Republican Jewish Coalition for an undisclosed but lucrative post lobbying on behalf of large, flat states.

The notably toothy ex-Senator also accepts a side job as a pitchman for Crest Whitestrips The more lucrative gigs, he explains, allow him to trade the basement apartment with a hot plate that he endured during his Senate career for a tonier Georgetown address. “Hey, a man’s gotta eat,” he tells HOH.

May: Weeks before the finale of American Idol, songwriting Sen. Orrin Hatch appears as a guest mentor on the program, leading the 20-something contestants to perform ditties such as “Freedom’s Light,” “I Love Old Glory” and the toe-tapper “Together Forever,” which the Utah Republican wrote for Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) in 2008. After decades of writing music in relative obscurity, Hatch suddenly becomes an overnight star and is even picked to pen Beyoncé’s new album.

Meanwhile, Members become concerned that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) hasn’t been seen on any television news programs in, like, three days. “I just get shy sometimes,” Schumer, dodging cameras, tells a reporter.